a barbecue (this is really about that)

Today I got a text from a friend inviting me to a good old-fashioned barbecue at his house this evening.  I was initially a little bit hesitant, as going to a barbecue typically means interacting with people. I’m learning I don’t do well with groups in general, and I certainly don’t do well with groups of college-aged, church going people I’ve never met.  But, bearing in mind that my friend’s parents are from Texas (and, by extension, know innately how to cook amazing food that could clog your arteries in seconds) and that I would probably be eating microwave chicken nuggets otherwise, I opted in.

Initially I managed to mingle pretty well.  People are easily entertained by self-defacing humor and gesticulation, but as more and more people started coming, and my friend’s started mingling with people who’s names I’ll never remember, I was again reminded that I don’t do groups well.  So, after having filed through a line of people in order to get my burger, and after having repeated my name atleast twice to every individual I introduced myself to, I resigned to the corner where Nathan’s two younger sisters were watching High School Musical.  It seemed like a comfortably reclusive alternative to talking about football, or shopping at Costco.  It really wasn’t as bad as it sounds (after all, that Zach Effron is a stone cold fox).  Between rousing courses of “The Boys are Back” and “High School Musical” I took to observing the other people crammed in the living room.  There was a couple in the corner supporting a small child as he walked his 102nd step- smiling.  There were two guys talking about work, eating burgers- smiling, and there was a group of girls reminiscing over days past- smiling.  While this was all good and fine, I’ve seen it before, many church gatherings look like this.  The two people who stuck out most sorely, though, were Nathan’s parents.  They were so in their element tonight, you could tell, they really felt among family, and it made me wish I had a group of people I could experience that with.  He spent all night on the grill, and I felt like I never looked over without seeing him laugh.  She spent the night inside serving up banana pudding, and refilling chip bowls, but she looked elated.

Most of the rest of my night was spent in that corner, Nathan, his girlfriend, Amanda, and Timmy eventually sat down and we chatted about family, and food, interpersonal dynamics, and the instability of some sub-atomic particles.  Then we prayed as a group, Nathan made some coffee, and everyone slowly settled into conversation again.  Eventually a few of us made our way to the back of the house

Probably because the bathroom was back there
And eventually into Nathan’s room where we listened to music, and chatted some more.

I’m not sure why, at that point, it clicked for me.  We were listening to Nate and Timmy’s band’s new song and I remember swiveling around on the computer chair to see several familiar faces standing there behind me.  I was drinking mediocre coffee spiced with something not-so-exotic from a mug that had the world “Recovery” and a giant cross printed in the center, and the word family was the only thing I could think of.  I felt genuinely content in that moment.

I’m not entirely sure why I suck at groups, or guy time.  I know things like this are really about deeper issues.

This is really about that
Everything is
It could be based in the fact I was mocked as a kid for having a weird name
Or about how I grew up with a heaping mound of expectation and resulting insecurity regarding how I was expected to behave
Or how I always felt invalidated because I couldn’t play baseball like my younger brother
Or catch, for that matter

but, looking around at that moment, so many of the fears I found myself wrestling with most of the night seemed to dissipate.  I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be, for now.  I know these people, and a handful more, are the family I’ve been given, and am responsible to live out family-like-life with.  Doing that can suck, and it brings up more issues worth discussing.  After all, being part of a family is not always pretty.  I guess what I’m saying is that I’m glad to be where I know I’m supposed to be, for the first time in a while, and I truly believe I have the right individuals around me to share this time of life with- in fact, I know I need them.  The more time goes by, the more experience tends to establish that I was never intended to do this alone.  I tried it once, recently, it’s not pretty.

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